Hello? Hello? Hello? ... Anyone there? there? there?

Okay so let me start by saying I am not dead. At least I don't think so...

But this blog sure has been. And for that, I apologize. To you dear readers (if you're even still out there) but mostly to myself. I started this thing to give myself a create outlet (a counter to the corporate drivel I churn out most days, if you will), as a means to getting some stressors off my chest and outta my head, a place to wrok my craft and push myself... a place for me to simply be me, no expectations other than the ones I set for myself. And in terms of this blog... all I was expecting was to write once in awhile and maybe post a photo or two.

*sigh*

I have failed big time at that. It's been well over a year since I've posted anything here and I am literally disgusted with my self! (My WI folks will here the correct promounciation when you read that

- des-gussted.)

But I'll stop with the self-flogging now (believe me folks, I've been doing it for awhile now) and I get back in here. I'm going to go ahead and put this out there just so I can't back down: I will post a blog at least three times a week starting in April 2011! There. Now it's official... I can't take it back. (Yes I know I'm just talking to myself here, but let me have this moment okay? Thanks.)

I am not promising they're all gonna be hilarious, or thought-provoking, or... hell I'm not promising they're gonna be anything other than here! Three times a week. Starting tomorrow.

A lot has been going on in my life and I'll most likely start with there but I'll try not to spend too much time in the past. I have my mind set on identifying some big goals for myself and using this blog as the check-in to keep myself working towards them. But I still plan to just rant everyone once in awhile! So be prepared for that too.

I'll end this one with some lyrics I heard the other day that just spoke right to my heart... they embody what I'm feeling these days:

Redesign me

State of the art

Erase my mind

Replace my heart

I wanna start over

Redefine me

Take me apart

Change my mind

Change my heart

And let me start over

- Art of the State (intro) from the album Dirty Work by All Time Low

Time is running out! ACK!

So Christmas is officially 10 days away... and I am no where near ready. And I'm not just talking about shopping for presents. I mean everything. Well to be more precise, nothing... as in nothing is done. Here's the run down of what's (not) happening holiday-wise at my house:

- the tree has been purchased, brought home and is in the stand, but not yet lighted or decorated (I have major concerns about the tree this year, real trees usually drink a lot more water than this one has so far and so I'm very concerned about how well it's going to hold up throughout the trimming process); I have not even brought any of the tree or house decorations up from the basement yet
- the wreath is on the front door but not decorated either (this is progress though, because it sat on the end of the driveway for about five days before I found the wreath hook)
- the outdoor lights are sitting on the dining room table and the evergreen trimmings (from the tree) which I wanted to use to accent the railing on the front porch has been in the back of the van for about three days now (thankfully it's been cold enough to keep them relatively fresh)
- I have gathered all the ingredients for cookies (which is what I'm supposed to be making this year) but have not mixed any dough, icing or planned how many I'll need/who I'm giving them to
- I have purchased approx. 1/3 of the gifts I'll need and they are in shopping bags on the floor in room; note I say "approximately" because I have yet to write my gift-giving list, plan what to buy or determine my budget
- I have not yet made final plans about where we'll be spending Christmas Eve/morning (e.g. my house or my mother's) but we do know that we've been invited to a close friend's house for Christmas dinner
- I have not done any of the food shopping yet, nor do I have a clue what I need

ACK!

I don't understand what's happened to me. Years ago I would have all presents purchased and wrapped by the end of the first week of December and my house was fully "decked out" by the first weekend. My gift-giving list would have notations about what to buy for who, possible alternatives, potential amount to be spent, where to purchase the gift AND fields for tracking when I bought it, wrapped it and delivered it. My grocery list would breakdown the ingredients needed for each dish I was planning to serve and quantities based on the number of guests I was anticipating. My bar would be fully stocked and there'd be "back-up" gifts under the tree for adults and kids. Yes, there'd always be some last minute shopping, baking, etc. that I'd have to do but that was part of the fun. Making sure I'd nailed down every last detail even if it meant another trip to the store or staying up a little late on Christmas Eve.

But this year, I swear I barely realized it was December. What the hell has happened to me? Where did the super organized dreag21 of Christmas Pasts go? And why?

I think I'm lacking in the holiday spirit department this year. I just don't feel like it's almost Christmas. But I know I need to get my ass in gear. I could blame it all on being sick recently, but that's not the entire reason. I just don't know what is.

Ah well, hopefully I'll find me a little Christmas cheer and get a move on with the rest. Wish me luck folks. Hopefully you're better prepared for the holidays this year than I am.

(PS: the link above is hilarious, especially if you ask them to sing The 12 Days of Christmas)

*** PROGRESS UPDATE ***
Last night, after we got home from dance class, a quick stop at the grocery and picking up The Girl from work, I got the lights on the tree and in the living room window. Tonight Smalley and I will trim the tree! And I will mix cookie dough, I promise. And if I'm feeling ambitious, I will string the porch lights and put out the flood light... all before I head to the airport to pick up my Dad who's coming in on an 11.00 p.m. flight. Hoo boy.

And there's the answer folks! I figured out my lack of Christmas prep progress: between being sick (for like a week and a half), the busyness of the three kids and balancing my work load, I just haven't had time! But Christmas is important, so now I gotta make time. I can pass out on boxing Day dammit. But right now I gotta get back to work! (I rarely blog from work, aside for uploading a post I worked on the night before and dropping in some links or a photo, etc. But I figured this update would be a quickie.)

Digital cam and other failures at the Santa Claus Parade

So Smalley has never been to the Santa Claus Parade; yes that may be a major parenting failure on my part but it's usually damn cold in T.O. by mid-November and as people who know me have heard me say many times, "I am not genetically engineered for the cold!" Plus I spent a number of years at the parade with my Pathfinder unit when they were selected with the "honour" of being in the Colour Party. I have seen enough of these Parades to know there isn't anything "special" or "magical" about them. It's a bunch of tired old floats, way too many bands and finally some white guy in an old red suit - all while you're standing in the cold. Unless you were "smart" enough to get there hours early so you could pluck down your camp chair in a prime viewing location; then you'd have the "pleasure" of sitting through this thing instead, still. In. The. Cold!

But I suppose every child should be exposed to it at least once or twice. And since I do perpetuate the whole "Santa" concept at our house (and will for as long as Smalley's buying it), I should give in and take her to see the Parade herself.

As luck would have it, this year the weather was actually really nice on November 15. (Yes, the Parade in Toronto was actually three weeks ago and I am only now getting around to posting about it, whatever!) So a friend and I went down with our kids.

The parade was... meh. I mean the kids had an okay time, they got spots up front to sit and I actually had a nice time exchanging barbs with some guy from Hamilton who brought his daughters (e.g. which one of us was going to get to zip into the bar for a drink while the other stayed with the kids, that clown looks happy for all the wrong reasons, how unpeppy can a pep squad be, etc.). But all in all it was way too long (2.5 hours vs. the promised time of 1 hour) and I can't help but wonder what today's kids are really getting out of it. Maybe the really young ones are entralled, but Smalley is 7 and Celine is 11 and I just don't think they got much out of it.

For one thing the floats are all out of date. (When's the last time you saw a McDonald's commercial featuring Ronald's friends? My kid has no idea who The Hamburgler or Grimace are, so I'm thinking at least five years since one has been aired here in the Ontario area.) So these characters meant nothing to her and Celine, and from the reactions I saw, not much to many other kids their age who were in attendance. And the updated floats are targeting a really young age group. (Handy Manny is great but kids over five or six are probably done with him.) And there were so many bands. So. Many. Freaking. Bands. (It's great that the schools and the employee unions and special interest groups are all coordinated enough to get a marching band together but they're not all that great, and you can only take so many of the okay ones.)

And I have to tell you that honestly, I found the clowns scary. Especially since so many of them are volunteers who are not willing to go to the full effort needed to pull off a clown (e.g. full make-up, pinning your hair up so it doesn't show from under your wig, bothering to wear a wig!, showing just a little bit of enthusiasm as you walk the route). Aside from all this, the only real highlight was getting pelted with mini-candy canes from the very bored looking kids riding the floats. lovely, all this trouble for eye injury.

I mean how does any of this qualify as a "parade"? (Keeping in mind that I am a Guyanese in Toronto so to me, parade means Caribana which is definitely not a mere spectator event!)

Ah well, at least I took her and she saw one. We had brunch after and the kids certainly enjoyed that (chocolate chip and banana pancakes, yum)! Too bad my camera battery died and I only got a few pics, missed the big man too.

The group before we head downtown. I'm Mrs. Claus apparently.

An updated Mother Goose that actually looks okay.

The kids enjoying the parade, before their butts went numb.

Something seriously wrong with this dragon's pose. Seriously.

Too True Tuesday... on Thursday!

So I'm a couple days behind on Too True Tuesdays, a regular happening over at The Accidental Mommy. But I haven't spent a lot of time online the past two days except for work. So just sue me. Or not. That's the beauty of this blogging thing - I do it when I want, about whatever I want and there's nothing anyone can do about it! Heh. I dig that kind of power... it thrills me. (Note to self: if overinflated perceptions of 'power" get you giddy it's probably a safe bet that REAL power is not for you my friend. Can we say cor-rup-tion?)

Anyway, essie is asking the following:

What's the first thing you would spend lottery money on? Tell the truth! Spare us the crap about buying your kids a Carousel or paying off your parents mortgage. The REAL truth!

Hands down, no hesitation whatsoever: a hotel room. If I hit in big on the Lotto Max then without hesitation I am getting the hell out my crappy little bungalow with the mould in the north wall and the shaky floors and the pathetic water pressure. I would be instantly checking into a lovely little place like this, or This, or THIS! And I'd be staying there until I figure exactly what I'm doing with my lodes of cash. Heh... that would be sweet.

Have you done that? Played the "if I won the lottery..." game? I do it all the time (a firm standing in fantasy is healthy dammit and you won't convince me otherwise). My imagination always draws me towards a big house in a warm climate, with large high-ceilinged rooms and hand-polished wooden furniture, a bevy of household staff and private school for my kids (although in recent years I've been more and more drawn to the concept of homeschooling). Ooh, and travelling, lots and lots of travelling. Of course I want the shopping and cars, and blah, blah, blah... but the most exciting parts of my fantasy lottery-funded home are:

• the kitchen - with multiple in-wall ovens, a huge rangetop and grills, marble sinks, huge stainless steel appliances and a MASSIVE island for food prep... *sigh*
• the family room - big comfy couches, a well stocked games cupboard and card table, a well-worn wooden coffee table with enough space for propping up feet and holding drinks, magazines, big screen tv, huge fireplace, etc.
• the backyard - hammocks and trees, lots of space for gardening (which will be assisted by my grounds staff, natch) and most importantly, a securely fenced-in yard for my dog to run to his heart's content

So yeah, I think about it a lot. But it all starts with me getting out of this house ASAP and cooling my jets in a hoighty-toighty (sp?) hotel suite while I make all the important decisions (e.g. one BMW or two...)

Street View

So I came across this feature on Google Maps today... the street level view. I have read/heard about it back in the spring when the Google cameras were apparently making their rounds through the streets of Toronto. I know there was a bit of uproar about it but to be honest I didn't really pay a lot of attention to it at the time.

Anyhoo, I was legitimately searching for something today and a colleague pointed out that we could use the Street View to get more detail (you type in the address like normal and then from the zoom scale, pull the little orange guy right onto the map where you want to jump to a street level view). Well holy crap, NOW I get what all the talk was about. As soon as I got back to my desk I looked up my own house (instead of carrying on with the work I was originally focussed on) and could not believe it.






















This is my house! And it's just there on the Internet for anyone to see. How freaking creepy is that?! And yet... I can't stop looking at it. I can tell this pick was from a few months ago because the outdoor extension cord I used for the Christmas lights is still in a pile next to the porch and The Other Girl's little red shovel is still leaning against the steps even though the snow is long melted. (Hey! At least I got the Christmas lights down before this.)

And there's Sheila looking all whole and resting on the driveway... *sniff* You can see that the license plate is blurred out which is supposed to be for the privacy factor. But this still *feels* pretty personal to me. I mean there's my dog lying on the front porch (probably waiting for one of the kids to let him in). Heck if our curtains had been opened you probably could have seen straight into my living room! Weird.

So of course after this major freakout, I do the only logical thing I can think of... I start looking up all my family and friends' houses to see what was going on with their front yards a few months ago.

All in all it seems to pretty harmless, and could certainly be useful when travelling to unfamiliar areas, and realistically, who's looking up stranger's houses on Google Maps? And if you should see something at your place that you think is jeopardizing your privacy you can contact Google and ask them to remove it.

But in the meantime, get your stalker on!

Justice sux

So I attended my court date today. For a traffic violation... a traffic violation that I do not believe I was guilty of. A traffic violation that was going to cost me $190 bucks! So you know, I had to fight it.

But I did something stupid... I was late getting to court and that my friends (if there are any friends reading) messed me up big time. Let me explain:

I don't know how it works elsewhere but here in The Big Smoke (BTW: really don't understand why that's a nickname for Toronto. I get Hogtown - meat processing plants; and Muddy York - unpaved streets; and everyone gets T-dot; but The Big Smoke? WTF?). Anyhoo, here in The Big Smoke we can fight traffic violation and parking infraction tickets in court. And I take everything to court! Because half the time T.O.'s finest do not bother to show up since they only get a minimum amount of paid on-duty time to attend court dates. So if you show up and your cop isn't there, you tell the prosecutor you want to fight the charges and your case has to be dismissed since there's no witness to testify against you. Should you crap out and get the lone overzealous po-po who actually comes to court, you simple plead guilty with an explanation and get a reduced fine (and usually no demerit points taken from your license). Not a bad deal all in all, and one that I have taken advantage of a number of times in my driving career.

Today, I totally intended to follow a similar route. And as luck would have it, my cop totally didn't show up. But I totally screwed myself because I didn't get there early enough to check-in with the prosecutor and discuss the trial. So she didn't know my intentions before we had to appear before the judge. And she didn't have the opportunity to determine my cop was a no-show and be so kind as to throw my case out. Instead, I got there seconds (I kid you not people - seconds!) before the judge enters. The prosecutor hisses at me to "Sit down! I'll speak to you later!" And I know I am screwed.

About 25 minutes into the proceeding (mainly a lot of folks pleading guilty to lesser charges and asking for time to pay their fine) the freaking prosecutor asks the judge for a moment of indulgence to speak to a defendant that arrived late. Oh thanks lady! That'll help my case for sure. She then gives me the usual spiel about pleading down, etc. When I ask about fighting the charge she advises me that if I choose that route she'll have no other option but to post-pone the matter to another date since I arrived late. She then advises that me that if goes to trial and I am found guilty the fine could be increased (up to $500) and the three demerits points would be non-negotiable.

And this is the point when I lose all my bravado (I usually walk around with a hell of a lot of this shit) and I say, "okay, I'll plead guilty... ma'am." Dammit. I hate in when my balls shrink like that. (Yes, as a matter of fact I do have balls - not hermaphrodite-Caster Semenya-type testes mind you, but brazen-filled, spit-and-vinegar, psychological, lady balls.)

So I plead guilty. And I get a reduced charge of $85 with no demerit points. And I skulk out of that courtroom so fast with my stepson laughing at my back and saying "yo, you punked out! what happened back there huh?" Ridiculed by a teenage boy, great.

Thinking back on it now, I know the $500 that scared me. I couldn't risk that. And re-booking the court date meant another notice of trial being sent to me and the cop which meant another chance that he'd show. And I wasn't willing to risk it. I could have pushed for another trial date, I realize now. Lady Prosecutor *might* have backed down and thrown it out. Or I could have showed up at the second trial and changed my plea then if needed. But I didn't think of all that then. All I was thinking then was, "Girl you do NOT have $500 bucks to waste on this ish". And so I punked out. Simply put, LP played a better game of chicken than I did.

So I guess the lesson learned here is that I should stop being late all time and get to places on time. (I can hear my family saying "Hell ya" right now.) Cost me $105 (85 reduced fine + 20 court surcharge fee) to learn that lesson.

Or I could stop getting traffic tickets... nah! (I got two other trials scheduled for this year and two more coming next year! lol)

Finally... FINALLY!

So I started this "blog" a long time ago... and by started I mean signed up for a google account and saved the user name, and by a long time ago I mean a year+. *sigh* But then I never did anything with it. I just left it here, unused and seemingly unwanted, like the 2nd pair in a pack of dollar-store pantyhose that were purchased for an emergency (yes, a pantyhose emergency!). I didn't even name it back then, it was just blank. Today I put this name in because I think (hope) it might motivate me.

I mean I want to blog, I'm definitely interested in blogging. Heck, I think I'd be a good blogger... I'm just not sure what I'd blog about and that there is the problem. All the blogs I love seem to have a theme, some sort of unifying core that gives them a purpose.

Case in point - Ree Drummond, aka The Pioneer Woman writes all about her life on a cattle ranch, including humourous stories, delicious recipes and a-MAY-zing photos. I am not married to a rancher, I do not really make up my own recipes, I do not get around to downloading the pics off my dinky digital camera.

And Morgan over at One More Moore is so freaking crafty can't stand it. I drool over the lovely things she makes for her kids, her friends/family and her Etsy shop. I collect scrapbook supplies that I keep promising myself I'll use one day... but I haven't.

Pastor Ryan at This Is Reverb offers poignant thoughts and spirituality in addition to photography lessons and recipes. I love reading what he's writing about and I always feel like I've experienced something when I visit his site. I stopped going to church a few years ago (after a really long hiatus from org religion in general) and I think I'm kinda lost right now... not sure where I stand or how to go about figuring it out. And I already mentioned the camera thing. (Seriously folks it's bad - I think I still have last year's Christmas pics on there and the SD card is full so I haven't take shots of anything since August.)

And Bakerella makes the cutest freaking cake pops and cupcakes and so many others things that I wish I had the patience to do. I even bought a whole freaking lot of cake pop/cupcake supplies a few months ago, mixed up a big batch of cake pop batter AND went on a serious hunt to find the mini-cookie cutters she specifically recommended... me and the kids made one batch of so-so looking pops once, most the supplies (lollipop sticks, food markers, candy melts, etc.) are still in the plastic bag from the Bulk Store and the second batch of cake balls sat in the downstairs fridge for so long they got fuzzy. Ew!

A few days ago I found a blog that I absolutely love - Unfinished Business is a tribute to procrastinators everywhere. I could worship at Annie's feet because I love that she just puts in all out there, everything she has not gotten around to doing her good intentions gone nowhere, everything. She's so blunt about it and non-apologetic (at least as far as I've read, like I said I found it yesterday). I would LOVE to blog like that... but 1. SHE'S already doing it and 2. my Mom might read this one day and then I'd be in for it! (Yes I AM older than 30 thank you very much, but like and sensible and rational child of West Indian descent, I know the undeniable logic in fearing my mother.)

There are many other blogs that I like and read somewhat regularly but I'll stop there, thereby leaving myself something for another post! (And look at that, see what I did right there? Just came up with a little theme for my post - other interesting blogs!)

I don't quite know what this blog will shape up to be, I just know that I want and outlet. I need to write regularly again and I'm really hoping that this blog will help me do it. And hopefully, along the way, I'll pick up some folks that want to read it. If not, I'll keep writing anyway, it's mainly for my benefit.

I'll give a little info about me at this point, because it's indicative of what I'll probably write about most often. I'm a single mother of two daughters, ages 18.5 and 7. I'm on amicable terms with my ex, but that's definitely a closed door. I work full-time in the communication/pr field. I'm a former Girl Guide leader, former student council member, former teenage mother (these things will come up later, trust me). I'm the oldest of six siblings (between my divorced parents and their subsequent spouses) and I have a big of Mothering complex... and by that I mean I seem to think it's my job to take care of everyone, their needs and their problems - which is obviously impossible. I see what I just wrote there, I know the truth in it... but I still do it... A LOT! (Can't tell you how many times my therapist has said to me, "You can't mother the world!") So I should probably stop trying to do that.

Last thing about me - I am a procrastinator. BIG TIME. I have the best of intentions to get things done early, or even on time, to arrive on time, to not cram stuff together at the last minute, to not pull up in front the school, screech to a stop and shove my little one out the door while roaring, "Go, GO, GOOOOO!" and then calling out to have a good day while she flies to the front door. And I certainly mean to pay my bills on time (that one there is for any of my creditors that might reading - *waves* Hi Capital One!). But that's more an issue with quantity (e.g. not enough money!) than anything else.

So all that said, know that I intend to post here regularly (let's say a few times a week) AND post pictures AND try to keep it interesting... but if I were you I wouldn't hold my breathe. I'm just saying...